


Interrobang‽

by Malicei, NoFlowzakBozak



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Best smut ever, Collaboration, Hockey, M/M, Montreal, Montreal Canadiens, NHL, The Price Tag, Toronto, Toronto Maple Leafs, Tyler tension, University AU, hockey jargon, improper use of interrobangs, may contain traces of smut, no seriously, players in teams where players should not be, playoff feels, random obscure punctuation, segs is so jelly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-10
Updated: 2013-10-21
Packaged: 2017-12-28 23:42:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/998308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malicei/pseuds/Malicei, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoFlowzakBozak/pseuds/NoFlowzakBozak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joffrey gives Tyler a lesson in punctuation (and other things)<br/>Events transpire of the hockey type.<br/>AKA Tyler Bozak is a life ruiner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Percontation Point؟

**Author's Note:**

> Collaboration w/ a friend (who had no idea about hockey)  
> THE MAPLE MEN BIT WASN'T MY FAULT  
> i know you like it ;D  
> Pick out my little jokes ;)  
> i wanted montreal to winnnnnn  
> That's cause you have no idea about hockey

_"Mr Kessel's being weird about obscure punctuation again. -TB_

_P.S I dunno why we put our initials at the bottom of these. You can see me write it."_

_"IKR like what the hell is an interrobang?!?!-JL"_

"Boys, what is that- are you passing notes? What are you, in grade school? WOAH INTERROBANGS my favourite  piece of punctuation! Let me tell you about my precious…" Mr. Kessel, their English professor, had a love affair with obscure punctuation and when he started he didn’t stop. Joffrey rolled his eyes and looked over to Tyler. "Let me tell _you_ about interrobanging," he said, draping an arm over the back of Tyler's chair and making an obscenely suggestive face. Tyler raised his eyebrows in mock disapproval and tried to hide his interest. He heard the bell go, and Mr. Kessel continue talking. Tyler Seguin leaned over from behind them. "Hey guys, enough of your gay fest. _I_ have a playoffs game to win and I can't play without a team." He leaned back. "Later," Joffrey whispered in Tyler's ear. He couldn’t help but grin. Behind them, Segs made a gagging motion, and they all left for the rink.

؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟؟


	2. Hedera❧

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Maple Men have a game to win

The Maple Men skated onto the rink to warm up. Montreal were already on the ice, stretching and shooting pucks at  the goals.

"Aww yeah," Segs exclaimed. "The Opossums. Play dead at home and get flattened on the road!" Max Pacioretty  chose that moment to take a hard slapper, right into the back of the net. Joffrey skated over. "Sure, you can hit the  net," he mocked, "but can you do it with a goalie in front?"

"I don’t know, let's see," Max motioned to Carey Price, who had just skated out trailed by Jeff Skinner. "Carey, to the  crease. I wanna show these losers how to shoot."

"Seriously? Anyone can score on him. Even Skinner, it seems." Segs snickered. He and Joffrey returned to the Maple  Men. "Guys, we have to show these losers who’s boss," Segs started. "Yeah," continued Joffrey. "They think they can  scare us with their stupid showy tricks? No! We. Are. The. Maple Men! And we're gonna let the world know our  name! Everyone, do you know the Maple Men?"

The rest of the team joined in.

"THE MAPLE MEN?

THE MAPLE MEN!

DO YOU KNOW THE MAPLE MEN,

WHO WILL WIN EVERY GAME?"

The team roared enthusiastically, not at all embarrassed by how lame the song was. Tyler rolled his eyes. "That is the stupidest song,' he moaned, but he was smiling. He skated out to Centre Ice for the faceoff.

The first period was filled with opportunities for both sides to score, but by the first intermission the board showed 1-0 Toronto. In the rooms, Joffrey was telling the team that they weren't playing hard enough. "Defence!" he was saying. "They are getting way too many shots on Reimer. He's the biggest reason we haven't fallen behind! Reims- good job. Keep it up." He started on the forwards. Tyler couldn’t help notice how hot Joffrey was when he was sweaty and worked up like this. Segs leaned over and whispered in Tyler's ear, "You're really obvious when you like people, you know. You're practically drooling." Joffrey shot them both a killer look. Segs stuck his tongue out at Joffrey and leaned away, a stupid grin on his stupid face. "GUYS." Yelled Coach Sharp. The rooms went silent. "Get out on that ice," he said quietly, "and kick some Opossum ASS."

"Alright! Better this period, boys! Let's bury 'em!" Joffrey led the team back out onto the ice. They took their  positions, waiting for Montreal to get out of the rooms. Montreal hit the ice, newly energetic. Carey whispered  something into the back of Jeff's neck that made him smile, before they parted ways.

By the end of the second period, Toronto was up 3-0, but at the expense of Segs, who had taken a big hit from  Jordan Staal and had a broken nose (which was an improvement according to Tyler, who got, as predicted, Segs'  tongue stuck out at him). Segs, for obvious reasons, disagreed. "That jerk wrecked my face. Asshole possum." He  copped a load from Joffrey about 'being a good sport' and 'Max apologised for him. About 19 times.' and 'he's a good guy.'

The rooms were buzzing, the team were pumped up. Segs was saying to anyone who would listen, "Kill those jerks. For ME. For my lost future MODELLING CAREER. Put 'em away 6 NIL. For TORONTO!" Coach Sharp was against them getting too ahead of themselves. "Credit to Reimer, who hasn't let one past yet. But, guys, we still have a period left to play, and you all remember _That_ Game." A chill went through every player in the room. They knew _That_ Game. They remembered giving up a 3-goal lead in the 3rd period, the sudden death overtime. The Last Shot (Reimer particularly). The end of the playoffs. "Go hard," said Coach Sharp, in that quiet, serious way of his that caused each player listen to every word. "Be cautious. Play well. Just, go." They all heard the unspoken 'don’t let it happen again.'

The third period was disastrous, with players taking stupid penalties left, right and centre. Montreal were 2 for 5 on the powerplay, and a late shot that went past Reimer with a few seconds to go tied it. Down in the rooms, the look on Coach Sharp's face was enough.

They were faced with a sudden death overtime.

Tyler saw Joffrey on the blue line with the puck. He skated past him, calling for the pass. The puck landed on his  tape. He took it to the slot, fired. Vaguely, he heard the goal horn, saw the goal light, felt his teammates surrounding  him, Joffrey first, coming up behind him, saw a wave of blue coming from the bench. A single tear rolled down Jeff's  face as he saw Carey flat on the ice, with the puck behind him. Distantly, Tyler saw Coach Sharp with his arms in the  air, trying to run across the ice, Coach Crosby throw something on the floor and storm off the rooms, not looking at  his team. He knew what they had in store. He heard Segs yell in his ear, "they gonna cop a fuckin' SPRAY when they  get down!" and cheers of "we DID it!" and "round TWO motherFUCKERS." He saw Carey wipe the tear off Jeff's face.  He shook hands with all the Montreal players, their faces all the same, a picture of disappointment. The worst feeling. For a moment, Tyler felt for them. He empathised with them. Then, he was dragged to the rooms and the moment was over.

(He may or may not have noticed Coach Crosby's butt leaving.)

The rooms were a sweaty, Gatorade filled blurry mess. Tyler was grinning like an idiot the whole time.

Fingers snapping in front of Tyler's face grabbed his attention. "Come with me." Joffrey grabbed Tyler's wrist and  began to drag him away. Tyler looked back at Segs, horror all over his face. Segs just smirked and waved him goodbye. Tyler, powerless to resist Joffrey, had no choice but to follow. (He sort of wanted to anyway.)

❧❧❧❧❧❧

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was SO hard on my feels. I just had some stuff to get out of my system.


	3. Interrobang‽

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler learns the true meaning of 'interrobang.'

Joffrey pushed Tyler into an empty classroom, and shut the door behind them.

"What the hell was that?!"

"Wh-what? You mean my game-winning goal?"

"You were drooling. _Drooling._ Coach Crosby is young and fit but really?"

"Oh, right. Dude have you _seen_ his butt?"

"I'm asking questions not you. Anyway, I have a better butt than that Frenchy-lover. French fry…and what about  Segs? What did he say to you, in the rooms?"

"Uh, h-he said it was obvious that I liked you. That's all."

"Don’t think I haven’t forgotten what I promised before."

"Um, _I_ have."

Tyler, confused, noticed he had been backed against the wall, his face way too close to Joffrey's. "That," Joffrey  breathed against Tyler's mouth, "was the 'interro-.' This," he kissed Tyler, long and slow, and a bit wet. "Is the - _bang_." He kissed Tyler again, dirty, and pushed him against the wall, sucking Tyler's lip into his mouth and biting it.  "Nice goal," he huffed. Joffrey slid his hand up Tyler's shirt, running his thumb along the hairs on Tyler's stomach  before moving up to rub circles around his nipple, and pinching it. Tyler gasped, Joffrey catching it with his mouth.  Joffrey pulled away, making Tyler whine. Joffrey laughed softly and pulled his shirt off, then did the same to Tyler. He  moved closer again, putting his hand against the wall and closing Tyler in. He kissed Tyler's mouth once more before  moving down his jaw and to his neck.

"That's not how you use an interrobang. But points for creativity." Joffrey's head jerked up in surprise. Tyler froze.  Mr Kessel casually leant against the doorway, grinning.

"Remember what I taught you in sex ed. Stay safe, kids!"

Something flew towards Tyler's head and he reflexively caught it, losing sight of Mr Kessel in the process. He looked  down.

"Small? Is this some kind of sick joke?!" But they were alone again.

"Might as well finish what we started," Joffrey mumbled, face going back to Tyler's neck. Tyler looked at the box in  his hand. "I don't think these are going to be much use."

"Definitely not for me," Joffrey said into Tyler's neck. "For you, maybe," he teased. Tyler was in the process of  coming up with a comeback, something along the lines of 'whatever you love it,' when Joffrey shoved his hand down  the front of Tyler's pants and his brain turned to mush. Or, 'oh shIT OH SHIT.' He groaned. He could feel Joffrey's  breath, warm and damp on his neck. He slid his hands down Joffrey's back and down the back of his pants. "Yeah,"  Joffrey panted. "I told you I have a good ass." Tyler squeezed. Joffrey's hips jerked forward, bumping their crotches  together. Joffrey removed his hand from Tyler's pants. Tyler whined again, but it was replaced by a sigh of relief  when Joffrey  got Tyler's pants off. Tyler slipped his hands out of Joffrey's pants (a little disappointed- Joffrey really  _did_ have a good ass. Not that Tyler would ever tell him) and removed them. Joffrey pushed Tyler, hard, against the  wall. "How do I want you?" Joffrey breathed, putting his hand on the wall next to Tyler's head, boxing him in. He moved to kiss Tyler's mouth again, filling it with his tongue. He pulled away slightly. "Over a table? Against the wall? I know…" Joffrey licked Tyler's parted lips between each sentence. Tyler desperately needed friction, but Joffrey was holding his hips back against the wall. "H-how?" Tyler huffed. Joffrey smiled a little smile, lifting one of Tyler's legs and hooking it over his hip. He did the same with the other leg. Tyler wrapped his hands around Joffrey's neck for support, as he was pushed harder against the wall with Joffrey's body, grinding their hips together. They were plastered together (Tyler had a vague thought about getting stuck together with sweat). Joffrey pulled away slightly to wrap his hand around both their dicks. Tyler moaned; Joffrey had mad hand job skills. Tyler wound his fingers through Joffrey's hair, thrusting his hips up into Joffrey's hand. He gasped as he came, all over their stomachs and Joffrey's hand. He leaned his head back against the wall, suddenly exhausted. He reached down and helped Joffrey get off. Joffrey leaned forward, resting his head on Tyler's chest, suddenly boneless. They remained like that, sweat cooling on their skin. Tyler unwrapped his legs from Joffrey's waist. "Shit," Joffrey whispered.

"What?"

"Where's the nearest shower?"

‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽‽

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First time smut I think I did good.  
> Stay tuned! (It starts to get interesting)


	4. Asterism⁂

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Tyler Show.  
> Sparks fly. Thor makes a cameo. Puppies get electrocuted.

Tyler and Joffrey put on the clothes they had and ducked through the hallways, sticky and uncomfortable, trying to find the way back to their room. Thankfully, they arrived safely without being spotted. Tyler collapsed on their dodgy old couch, exhausted from the day's events. "We made it," he said, sighing with relief.

"Hey, Tyler." Something flew at him (not for the first time today) and landed on his chest. It was the box of condoms from before. "I have an idea."

"Bloody hell Joffrey, not again," Tyler moaned.

"Your mind is _always_ there, isn’t it Ty? No, that's not my idea. I was thinking-"

"That's never a good thing," Tyler mumbled.

" _Anyway_ , before I was so rudely interrupted. I thought of a game we could play. A couple of Montreal boys are coming to stay in good old Tdot. We should _welcome_ them…"

"That's never a good tone," Tyler looked over at Joffrey. The look on his face was the insane sort of look that never ended well. "Uh, dude. Maybe you should get some sleep. You're talking crazy. We have a Physics prac tomorrow. New teacher. Don't wanna be completely hammered, do we?"

"Whatever, but you're coming."

"I already did," Tyler mumbled.

"I'm gonna pretend I didn’t hear that. Now get your ass in my bed."

"I'll get my crusty clothes off first."

"Good idea," Joffrey yawned.

(Tyler liked cuddling anyway. Who doesn’t?)

 

Joffrey nudged Tyler. "So what do you think of the new Physics professor?"

Tyler grunted. "Looks like Thor."

"Yeah, I can see that. You got a thing for butts though, rating outta ten?"

Tyler gave Dr. Kostka a thorough inspection (it helped that he was scribbling on the board). "I dunno, what do you think, Segs? You have an opinion on everything." Tyler looked over at Segs for this opinion, but he was glaring at Tyler for some stupid Segs reason known only to him. Tyler raised his eyebrows questioningly. "Whatchoo lookin' at Brozie?" Segs stuck his tongue out. Tyler was getting used to that sight. He chose to ignore it and looked back to Joffrey, who was talking to a fresh looking kid next to him, whose dopey energy reminded Tyler of a Labrador puppy. "Who's the kid?" he asked.

"Tyler, you're back with us! This is Lil' Ry."

"Lil' Ry" grinned. "My name's Morgan."

"Yeah," Joffrey continued. "And, Morgan, this is my bro Tyler. And that's Segs, over there."

Segs leaned over Tyler to say to Morgan, "Yeah. They're _bros_." He wiggled his eyebrows. "That _bang_." Tyler felt the blush rise up his neck and into his cheeks. He saw Morgan do the same. Joffrey thwacked Segs' head as Tyler pushed Segs out of his space. "Ignore Segs," Joffrey said to Morgan, in a not-so-smooth cover-up. "He's an idiot." Segs scowled. Tyler had a brief moment of wonder at how Segs managed to keep his tongue in his mouth. He reminded himself to congratulate Segs later.

 

Dr. Thor had assigned them a task on electricity. 'How appropriate,' Tyler thought. He got into a group with Joffrey, Segs and Morgan, who seemed to have become their new pet, and grabbed a circuit board. He was pumped . "So today, we just get to mess around with electricity!"

"No you dumb shit you have to actually do stuff," Segs jabbed.

"Yeah, unlike you, the king of getting me to do your assignments," Tyler retaliated. He was getting over Segs' crap.

"Tit for Tat with the Tylers," Joffrey said quietly to Morgan.

"Are they always like this?" Morgan asked.

"No, mainly around the more stressful times of year, like playoffs and exams."

Meanwhile, the Tyler situation had escalated. "You know, I'm surprised you're fighting this one yourself," Segs was saying. "Not gonna call your boyfriend to come save you today?"

Tyler clenched his fists, his jaw tight. "You're lucky I don’t fight off the ice," he snarled.

Segs laughed a condescending laugh. "Dude, you barely fight ON it!" Solid arms wrapped around Tyler from  behind. He heard Joffrey's voice, soft, in his ear. "Let it go. He's an idiot," Tyler relaxed his hands, still scowling at Segs. Segs grinned, and there was the tongue again. God, how Tyler wanted to rip that thing out of his mouth.

"This looks like it's about to go from Physics to physical. I can practically see the sparks flying between you. What's happening, guys?" Dr. Kostka had appeared at their desk like a ninja, without any of them noticing.

"Nothing, Professor. Just some Tyler Tension, is all. It happens," Joffrey responded calmly, always the one to diffuse a situation.

Dr Kostka wasn't that easily dissuaded. "Looks like you're restraining him. That normal too?"

"I- yeah. It is." Joffrey removed his arms, supressing a giggle. _Restrain him_. Tyler suddenly felt cold. Dr. Thor seemed appeased, as he responded with, "Okay. Just, electricity please," and left them to their own devices.

"Hey, Joffrey?" The three of them looked over at Morgan, who looked slightly bewildered and shocked, his hair a little fuzzier than before (and still like a derpy Labrador to Tyler), and sucking on one of his fingers. "This thing has a really high voltage."

Segs laughed coldly. "Well, at least he's doing Physics."

⁂ ⁂ ⁂ ⁂ ⁂ ⁂ ⁂ ⁂

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No animals were harmed in the making of this chapter. Just one slightly singed hockey player.  
> Feedback, suggestions?


	5. Pilcrow ¶

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Possums next door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bear with me I don't know how university or college or whatever you call it works.  
> Faceplant isn't a word, according to spell check.

Tyler and Joffrey were in their room after Physics, watching shitty TV and crashing on their gross corduroy couch. It smelled like moth balls (from the time they suspected an old lady had died on it in its past life) mixed with what could only be described as man (smelled like Joffrey, Tyler couldn’t complain). They weren't sure what colour it was supposed to be. "God," Tyler sighed. "Why does he have to be so...ugh." He faceplanted into Joffrey's shoulder.

Joffrey wrapped an arm around Tyler's waist, pulling him close. "He's just jealous you're getting laid and he's not." Tyler smiled a little at the thought of getting laid. "Plus, he's an idiot, so just ignore him." Tyler hummed into Joffrey's shoulder in agreement. "Hey, I have something that'll cheer you up," Joffrey continued. "We have neighbours."

 

Tyler followed Joffrey out onto the balcony that they shared with the next dorm. Quietly, Joffrey crept over to the door and peeked inside. He ducked down again, silently pissing himself laughing. He motioned for Tyler to come over. Tyler tried to be as silent as Joffrey as he peeked inside. "That's cute," he whispered. Their new neighbours were from the Montreal hockey team. He recognised them from their playoffs series. Jeff Skinner and Carey Price. Carey had Jeff on his lap, his arms around Jeff's waist. One of Jeff's hands was tangled in Carey's shirt and Jeff looked like he was about to fall asleep. He looked like a baby. Tyler ducked down again, facing Joffrey. "Why was this supposed to cheer me up? We're living next to a bunch of _Possums_."

Joffrey was grinning again, his face bordering on that insane look again. "Because my plan is getting better and better."

Tyler was momentarily confused. Then he remembered. "The box of condoms that you threw at me yesterday?"

"Yeah," Joffrey replied, drawing it out. "God, I love this shared balcony. Which reminds me, let's scootch before they hear us." Tyler hurriedly led the way back to the safety of their room.

Tyler was jealous. "Man, their room is _so_ much better than ours! They can sit on the couch without fear of getting a termite-bitten ass!"

Joffrey was talking reason again. "Focus, boy! Anyway, they have to make Toronto seem nice and classy and homey otherwise they'd just hate our guts even more. That's besides the point. The _plan_."

"Um, yeah. What exactly _is_ the plan? All I know is it involves Possums and condoms."

Joffrey sighed, looking at Tyler with what could be described as sympathy. "Okay. I'll spell it out. I was thinking water balloons but, seeing who it is, we could just put it somewhere in their room all discreet and watch the hilarity ensue when they find it."

"Man, that's the worst prank ever. We need to do something _cool_ , like steal their bedsheets or stick Jeff in a box that has 'fuck' written on it. Like, he comes with instructions!"

Joffrey's face was a strange mix of bothered and amused. "Your pranks are no better than mine." He pulled out his phone. "I'm sure the internet will do better than you."

Moments later, Tyler heard an 'ah-HA!' Joffrey looked proud of the internet. "I've got it!" he showed Tyler a page with a  photo of a room covered in sticky notes.

Tyler was in admiration of Joffrey's amazing googling skills. "On the topic of sticky notes-"

There was a knock on their door, interrupting and annoying Tyler. "Who the fuck…"

"Hey, be polite," Joffrey scolded as he got up to get it. Who the fuck indeed, it was Segs, looking nervous and rubbing the back of his neck. "Can I...is it okay if I come in?"

Joffrey moved out of the doorway, letting him through. Segs stood in the middle of the room, looking uncomfortable and unsure of where to sit. Tyler just scowled at him. "What, can't get enough in classes, now you gotta annoy me in my own room too?"

Segs didn't look uncomfortable anymore, just exasperated. "No, idiot. I came to ask if you wanted to come out for drinks or something. We don’t have classes or hockey tomorrow, so I thought we could. Uhh, you know. Sort out our differences. But if you don’t want to that's fine. I'll just, go by myself."

"Yeah, damn right I-" Tyler's remark was cut off by Joffrey.

"Tyler'd love to go. So would I, if that's alright. Won’t say no to drinks." Segs smiled a little, then all but sprinted away from Tyler's death glares. Joffrey shut the door.

"Why'd you make me go get drinks with that dickhead?"

Joffrey sighed again. "He's not the one being a dickhead anymore."

"Are you calling me a jerk?"

"No, _you're_ not a jerk, I'm just...Segs is trying to fix stuff between you two because it's getting out of hand and you're just pushing him away. I'm gonna go with him tonight, you can come if you want or you can stay here."

"So you're choosing him over me?"

"No, I'm trying to help both of you, and you're making it really hard."

Tyler folded his arms. No way was he going to get drinks with that idiot. He didn't need Segs anyway. He had Joffrey.

Joffrey looked at Tyler again, his eyes pleading. Then he walked out the door.

Well, Tyler _thought_ he had Joffrey. Now _he'd_ left as well.

 

¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶¶

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I write neighbour funny I'm Aussie deal with it fuckers.


	6. Section Sign§

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler's lonely.  
> Polar bears are shit kissers.  
> (Joffrey is MUCH better.)

Tyler laid face down, lonely and uncomfortable, on his and Joffrey's couch. He didn't feel like watching T.V. He pushed himself up and rolled off the couch, onto the floor. 'Much better,' he thought sarcastically. He heard the Possums from next door, laughing and talking French. 'Goddammit, even they're going out. Why does everyone have to leave me?' He put a considerable amount of effort into his arms, pushing himself up properly this time. He hauled himself over to the mini bar, pulling out an unopened 6-pack of Molsons. "I don't need Segs. I can have drinks right here, all by myself," he muttered as he pouted, then mentally scolded himself for acting crazy. He slumped back on the couch, thinking that it was going to be hard to get up again. He cracked open a bottle, tried to pay attention to the T.V. and prepared to settle in.

A couple of bottles in, Tyler was feeling much better about his night. It had turned out to be quite fun what with the alcohol and the...alcohol. He grinned sourly, an idea forming in his head. 'Might as well have some fun while I'm alone.' He grabbed a sticky note, scrawling 'For Carey. Hope they're small enough.' and a little heart, then sticking it to the box of condoms that had been featured in Tyler's week way too much. He stumbled to the doorway, banged into the door because who the fuck puts a piece of wood where Tyler's trying to walk? Finally, he managed to get it open and he was out in the hallway. He snuck (as stealthily as a largish, drunk man can sneak- not very) into their room, questioned why he was sneaking because everyone was out, and placed the box on one of the pillows, hoping that it was the one that was slept on. He tried to walk out with a little dignity but failed epically as he stubbed his toe on a stray skate, swore loudly, tried to hop while holding the sore foot and found himself face to face with the floor.

He somehow managed to make it to his room, alive and very much proud of himself. He looked at the 2 remaining Molsons. He decided he deserved another one for that effort. He drained half the bottle, and passed out on the couch, cuddling a little polar bear wearing a Maple Men jersey.

He woke up, warm and wrapped in bedsheets. It took him a moment to register where he was. Curled up in Joffrey's bed. Then he registered his pounding headache and fuzzy mouth, and realised it was way too hot. He kicked all the covers off, getting a muffled, "what the hell, man," from next to him. _Joffrey. He came back!_ Tyler rolled over and snuggled into Joffrey's chest, feeling one of Joffrey's arms wrap loosely around him. The rolling motion, however, went straight to his head. 'Shit,' was all Tyler could think as he felt a wave of nausea roll over him. He scrambled to get out of the bed, ending up on his hands and knees and painfully crawled to the bathroom. He leaned heavily over the sink, emptying his system of the remaining Molsons.

He sat on the bathroom floor, shivering. He realised he was only wearing boxers. He leaned back over the sink, glad his guts were now empty or he'd still be puking. He felt warm hands on his back, gently massaging his shoulders. A kiss, pressed to the back of his neck. Joffrey's breath, warm. Joffrey wrapped and arm around Tyler's waist and half carried him back to the bed. They sat down, Tyler leaning heavily on Joffrey. "Did you drink a _whole_ six-pack?" Joffrey asked.

Tyler decided to try talking. "No," he answered. His mouth tasted _gross,_ like something had died in there. God, there was polar bear fluff stuck in his teeth. He was absolutely going to deny sleeping with a soft toy.

"Then what's that?" Joffrey caught his attention again by motioning to a stack of empty bottles. God, why wouldn't he just let Tyler _sleep?_

"I saved one for you," Tyler mumbled into Joffrey's chest.

"Remind me never to leave you home alone again."

Tyler smiled a little until Joffrey got up, letting him fall into the mattress. He made a noise of protest. Joffrey just smiled, the fucker. He disappeared for a moment, then came back with a glass of water and an aspirin. Tyler sat up, forced the water down and willed it to stay there. It did, and he felt a little better. Joffrey just sat silently, watching him and just generally being the best boyfriend ever. Tyler tried to let him know by leaning over and hugging him, but all he got was Joffrey leaning back a bit and saying, "Hey, how about you wash up first. Shower?"

Tyler thought that was actually a pretty good idea.

Way too much toothpaste and hot water later, his mouth tasted less dead and he felt cleaner.  He'd complained of accidentally making out with the polar bear earlier and how it was a terrible kisser and that Joffrey was a much better kisser than the stupid fluffball. Joffrey let Tyler kiss him 'thank you' then.

 

Later, they were lying on their bed (because their couch now smelled like moth balls, man AND alcohol). Tyler's brain was working again. "So," Tyler pushed. "How was your night out with Segs?"

Joffrey groaned. "He got super drunk, saw a 'hot' redhead because seriously they're ALL hot when you're drunk and Segs, and I was alone all last night too. So, a regular night out with Segs."

Tyler was pleased. That meant Joffrey wouldn’t be ditching him again for Segs anytime soon. "Did he score?"

Joffrey snorted. "What girl in this universe would go for drunk Segs?"

"Touché."

Tyler suddenly remembered what he did last night. "I pranked the Possums last night." Actually, now that he was thinking clearly, that was pretty lame. "Nevermind, it sucked."

Joffrey laughed (that was too gorgeous to be legal, Tyler was so distracted). "It probably did. Speaking of, I had an idea."

The crazy sparkle was back.

 

**§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoy torturing my characters.  
> More french in the next one, hopefully!


	7. «Guillemets»

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler learns something new every day.

"As if we actually spent money on these assholes. Who the fuck even drinks Diet Coke anyway?"

Tyler and Joffrey had returned to their dorm from some intense navigation of the nearest shopping centre, loaded down with bags of Mentos, Diet Coke ('Because that's the only one that works, idiot,' as Tyler learned), and a needle and thread. Tyler couldn’t see where this was going. They spread their supplies out on their bed. Joffrey was explaining, Tyler was watching his pretty eyes and curly hair and cheeks (just begging to be poked) and-

"Okay? You can do that, no actually I will because you weren't listening." Joffrey sighed in mock exasperation. Tyler was content to keep watching. He watched in fascination as Joffrey threaded the needle (Tyler didn't even know he _could_ do that. The more you know.) and pushed it gently through the Mentos, poking his finger. His eyes opened wide in momentary shock, and Tyler watched, engrossed, as Joffrey sucked on his finger. Their eyes locked. Joffrey grinned, slowly sliding his finger out of his mouth. He then opened the Coke and placed the threaded Mentos into the lid, held the thread and screwed the cap on. He cut off the exposed thread to finish it off. "God, you are good," Tyler said in amazement. He picked up the Mentos tube, considered it, and ate one. Joffrey looked at him funny.

"I really like mints."

Tyler held out the tube for Joffrey to take one. He took the tube out of Tyler's hand, placed it on the bed, took Tyler's face in his big, gentle hands and kissed him, licking in his mouth, tasting mint. Joffrey pulled away, smiling softly. "Oh," was all Tyler had to say.

"I really like mint."

Tyler slipped the Mentos into his pocket.

 

They went out onto the balcony with the Coke, careful not to shake it. Joffrey peeked inside again. "Yes!" he exclaimed. He opened the door quietly. Inside was empty. "God, Tyler. They're so much cleaner than you." Tyler frowned. He did _try_ to be clean. There were just...other priorities. Joffrey put the Coke on the bench, then they bolted. They sat on the balcony, just waiting.

"How long do you think they'll be?" Tyler was prone to impatience.

"I dunno, just. Shut up and wait." They did just that, excited for the ensuing clusterfuck.

They heard a door click. Tyler peeked up into the window, until he felt a sharp tug on his hair. "Idiot, do you _want_ to be seen?"

Tyler thought he had been called idiot _way_ too much today. They heard a shower run. Then they heard Jeff's voice saying, "Carey, when did you buy Coke? Huh, my Coke now." Tyler and Joffrey both looked up through the window. Jeff was pulling a cup out of the cupboard, opening the Coke…«Oh, _merde_. **_Car-EYYY_**! _Chu dans marde jusqu’au cou_!» A muffled voice responded that they assumed to be Carey. "I don't care what you're doing, we have a situation here!" Jeff was bordering on hysterical, his voice reaching a pitch that Tyler had thought adult males were incapable of. Joffrey and Tyler _were_ hysterical. They saw Carey emerge from what was obviously a bathroom, dripping wet and wearing a towel around his waist. "That was something I didn’t need to see," Tyler whispered.

"Yeah, I look _way_ better when I'm wet and shirtless, don’t I? " Joffrey responded. Tyler just grinned.

"God, this just keeps getting better and better."

Carey looked like a mix between seriously concerned and trying not to laugh. «Ahhhh, _tabernak_.» Jeff just looked bewildered and sticky. He stood there with his mouth open and his arms slightly spread. Carey ruffled Jeff's dripping, foamy hair and tugged him over to the shower.

"And on that note, we leave." Joffrey was pulling Tyler back to their room.

They collapsed on their bed in fits of laughter. "Oh. My. GOD! When he-they. They were just SWEARING and CONFUSED and Jeff pulled Carey out of the SHOWER he's so dependent!" Tyler choked out breathlessly.

"Oh, we- we are gonna COP it if they find out it was us."

 

««««««««««««««»»»»»»»»»»»»»»

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jeff's saying,"I'm up to my neck in shit!"  
> I enjoyed that scene way too much. (I had to have fun it's gonna get angsty SPOILERS!)  
> *stares* give me feedback I know you're reading *-*


	8. Diesis‡

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prank Wars Part II: Revenge of the Possums

Round two of the playoffs had begun. The Maple Men had travelled to Chicago for Game One.

Segs sat behind Tyler on the plane, kicking him the WHOLE WAY. So Tyler was super fired up for this game.

 

The first period was scoreless.

 

At the second period, Chicago were up 3-2 after a nasty hit (seemingly in frustration) by Segs led to a 5-on-4 and a scoring shot for Chicago.

 

Late in the third period, neither team had scored since the second. Tyler saw Segs on the blue line, looking for an opening. He called out, he was open. He could see a hole. Segs looked at Tyler, and, instead of passing, shot. Crawford made an easy glove save.

The final score was 3-2.

 

The boys were solemn in the rooms post-game. Tyler looked at Segs, nudged him. Segs wouldn't look at him. "Hey. Segway. What am I, invisible?" Segs glared at Tyler.

"You should be."

Tyler was in shock. "I was open, I could see a hole!"

Segs rolled his eyes, like Tyler was an idiot. "You were right in front of him, he was just _waiting_ for me to pass it to you. Anyway, don’t act like you don’t know. It's not about hockey."

Tyler growled. "Then don’t bring hockey into it."

Segs stood up then, every muscle tense. "What the hell, Tyler! You just be an asshole to me, then when I try to be nice, you just reject me! _You_ act like _I'm_ invisible!"

Tyler's fists curled up again. Segs was talking like _Tyler_ was the one at fault here.

Joffrey stood up to go and settle this before it got out of hand, but Coach Sharp put a hand on his chest. "Let them sort this out. It'll help them deal with their tension. If you just keep stopping them, they'll never work it out."

"I _saw_ you on the blue line! I called to you! But no, you had to be selfish and bring your own problems out onto the ice, and now everyone's paying for it. What the fuck, man. What do you expect me to do, just ignore the fact that we end up yelling at each other EVERY. _SINGLE._ TIME. WE SPEAK."

"No," Segs said, sounding defeated. "That's what I want to _stop._ "

Tyler just stood and stared at him for a moment, out of breath. He was speechless.

"I don’t even know _why,_ man. We just…" Segs made a broad sweeping gesture with his arms, like the floor was open for Tyler.

Tyler just shook his head and turned around to finish changing.

Joffrey watched Tyler with an intense thinking expression on his face.

 

Toronto got swept in five games.

 

Back home, Tyler lay in his bed, fuming, next to Joffrey. "Tyler, I can feel the tension radiating off you, and it's making _me_ tense." He reached over to stroke one of Tyler's forearms. Tyler pulled away. He really just needed to be left alone to burn out. Joffrey rolled over to face Tyler, propping himself up on an elbow. "Try being nice to Segs. He's the only one trying here."

Tyler rolled over, his back to Joffrey.

"Alright, if you’re gonna be like that, you can go to your own bed. I don't need you stressing me out as well. Come and speak to me when you're willing to be mature about this."

Tyler dragged himself out of Joffrey's bed, sulking, and stomped over to 'his' bed. He lay down, face in the pillow, feeling like a kicked puppy (and hoping he looked like one too). His sulking worked...until he needed to come up for air. He looked over at Joffrey. He had his back turned to Tyler. Tyler continued wallowing, wishing he could just be swallowed up by his cold, unused pillow because JOFFREY WAS IGNORING HIM.

 

Joffrey spoke to Morgan in Physics more than he spoke to Tyler. No way was Tyler going to try talking to Segs. He could focus better on his work this way. Except for when he was focusing on Joffrey's jawline and missing the feeling of his strong arms and soft hands.

 

Tyler got lonely.

 

One English lecture, he couldn’t bear it anymore. He stormed out of the class, back to their room. He flopped facedown onto his bed, and promptly bounced back off. His whole bed was wrapped in Cling Wrap. He swore loudly, cursing all the gods he knew (even the hockey ones), and stomped over to Joffrey's bed instead. He lay crying into the pillow for a long time, and breathing in Joffrey's smell. That relaxed him.

Tyler didn’t hear Joffrey return to the room, just felt the weight at the end of the bed, and the hand in the small of his back. "What are you doing in my bed?" he heard Joffrey say softly.

Honestly, this is how he finds Tyler and that's all he's worried about? "Look at mine," Tyler snapped.

"I told you the deal. Man up or I'm gonna blank you. I can't deal with you two. If you haven't noticed, I'm talking to Morgan because he's not acting like an asshole."

"I can't sleep on the fucking _couch._ That thing's older than _hockey._ "

"Then go get the neighbours to deal with it."

Tyler sighed, rolled off Joffrey's bed and got up to leave. Joffrey's arms wrapped around Tyler briefly, and he heard what sounded like, 'I miss you,' before Joffrey pulled away. Tyler was pretty sure his heart melted. He walked out.

 

Tyler pounded on the Possums' door. "Open up, ostie de tabarnac de gros fif. That's right, fuckers, I speak your language!" He heard a thump, a grunt, and what sounded like feet shuffling across the floor. The door opened. Carey stared at Tyler, wearing only boxers. Tyler saw Jeff in a bed behind him, apparently naked, with the blanket wrapped hastily around his crotch. Both men were flushed and scruffy.

Carey was still staring at Tyler. "What the hell do you want?"

Tyler could feel himself going red. He stumbled for words. "Not a good time? I-I'll come back later." He all but ran back to his room.

"Hypocrite…" he heard Carey mumble behind him.

 

Tyler still wanted to sulk, he just had nowhere for it. Joffrey was sprawled on his bed, taking up the _whole_ thing, the selfish bastard. Tyler looked over at the corduroy couch, then at his Cling Wrapped bed. Corduroy couch, Cling Wrapped bed. He flopped down on the plasticy bed, too sad and depressed to bother un-Cling Wrapping it  and settled in for an uncomfortable night.

‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡‡

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoy torturing my characters.  
> *Diesis means 'double dagger.' That was the inspiration for the combined loss and heartbreak. Maybe the most appropriately titled chapter (except interrobang, of course).  
> Almost forgot, Tyler's calling them 'motherfucking faggots' which is why Carey calls him a hypocrite. Poor baby he doesn't know what he's saying, only that it's mean.  
> Don't ask me why I know how to say all this French shit.


	9. Tilde~

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Possums are useless fuckers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M RUNNING OUT OF FUCKING PUNCTUATION.

Tyler sat on his bed. He had the realisation that he would probably have to peel his ass and legs off it later. He found he didn't care. Joffrey was talking to him.

"What I'm saying is that you _can't_ just cut through it, because it'll cut the bed too. And the sheets. Do you want feathers or whatever the hell it is you have in this thing all over the floor?"

Tyler shook his head.

"Right, and you don't want to be spending the rest of your life peeling that shit off, because there are probably about seven packets of that stuff on there. So go next door, man up and ask them how to solve it."

Tyler rolled his eyes. He didn’t want to have to interact with some Frenchies again. He already had to wash out his mouth and eyes after the last time. But Joffrey was glaring at him and pointing at his eyes and then at Tyler. Joffrey's eyes, Tyler's eyes. That wasn’t the least bit creepy. Tyler held his hands up in surrender and turned to leave.

He found himself banging on the Possums' door again. Carey was glaring at him again.

"Why can't you just leave us alone?"

Tyler decided interacting with these guys was going to be difficult. "I have a hunch that you guys Cling Wrapped my bed. I want to know how to get it off. Actually, I kind of want to make you guys get it off, but I don't want you in our room."

"Well, I have a hunch that you guys covered my Jeff in Coke foam. All's fair in prank wars."

Tyler had to agree. Who would've thought, Possums spoke sense sometimes?

"Anyway, we only know how to put it on there, not get it off. Why don’t you just share with your boyfriend?"

Tyler sighed. "I'm grounded. Long story."

Carey laughed. Tyler heard Jeff giggle. What the fuck? What kind of self-respecting man giggled? 'Same sort of man who dates Carey Price. That's the price that comes with dating Price,' Tyler's brain provided.

"Okay, uh, thanks for your help. Which was, you know. No help at all." Tyler left. Interacting wasn't _that_ bad. At least Carey could _smile,_ instead of glaring all the time.

 

Tyler opened the door. Joffrey sat waiting. "Well?"

"They were no help at all. We're gonna be in for a long day."  
"Many hands make light work." Joffrey held out his phone to Tyler. Tyler didn't like where this was going. He took the phone. Joffrey had opened Segs' contact, ready for Tyler to hit the call button. Joffrey looked at up Tyler expectantly from his seat on the bed, one eyebrow raised. Goddammit, he knew Tyler couldn't resist when he looked like that. Tyler sighed in defeat, pressing the call button. The phone rang a couple of times. Tyler silently hoped Segs wouldn’t pick up.

"Hey, Joffrey. What's up?"

Tyler inwardly groaned. "It's, uh. Not Joffrey."

"Oh."

"Look, we kind of have a situation here and we...we need your help. Our room."

"Kay."

"Just...you'll see when you get here."

"Bye." Segs hung up. Tyler handed the phone back to Joffrey.

Joffrey was smiling gently. Asshole. "See? It wasn't that hard." Tyler just grunted. Joffrey picked up the phone and called Morgan. "Hey, Lil' Ry. It's Joffrey. Were in the middle of a crisis, wanna help? Yeah, thanks, puppy. Uh,  How about right now? Great! Bye!" Tyler grinned. Joffrey spoke to Morgan like a puppy dog.

 

A few minutes later, their tiny room was a full house. The four of them stood around, waiting for someone to start.

Joffrey, as usual, took charge. "Well, team. This shit ain't gonna get off by itself!"

Segs started rummaging through the drawers and pulled out a knife. He had a psychotic look of pleasure on his face. He was going to enjoy ripping into Tyler's bed. Tyler had a moment of panic. Joffrey pointed at Segs. "Segs, no. You'll wreck the bed," he ordered in his best captainly voice.

They heard Morgan say softly, "Hey, Big Lu? What if we just cut it gently, layer by layer?"

Tyler looked at Segs, at Joffrey, at Morgan, seeing if they heard what he heard. He looked back at Segs. Segs had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. They made eye contact and neither could hold any longer. They burst out laughing. Morgan looked confused. "Was that not a good idea?"

Joffrey ruffled the little Vancouverite's hair. "No, it was better than what either of them have provided. I dunno, they're both pretty stupid, and Tyler hasn't been sleeping well. Who knows?"

Tyler's eyes were watering. Segs slapped him on the back in his hysterics. Tyler straightened up at that, coughed, looked at Segs. Segs cleared his throat. There was a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. "Big _Loo,_ " and they were both gone again.

Joffrey handed the knife to Morgan. "Right-o. We've lost them. Just you and me, Lil' Vancouverite." They got to work de-vacuum-sealing the bed.

 

When that was done, Segs opened the minibar. "Fucking deserve a beer after that effort." Tyler decided not to point out that he had just laughed the whole time (because Tyler had done the same thing). "Dude. How much fucking Molson do you _have_?"

Tyler laughed. "Joffrey bought me a shitload when he found out I get really drunk on them and tell him I love him and do things I don't do when I'm sober."

Joffrey coughed. "Can't go past a good Canadian."

Segs grinned. "Yeah, neither can you, looks like," he said to Joffrey, looking pointedly at Tyler. Joffrey deliberately didn’t look at Tyler. "Oh, come on man. Look at you two. You've been trying so hard to pretend like you don’t want that Canadian, and the whole time, Tyler's been sulking around like a lost puppy. Now I ain't taking none of this shit that 'he's punished' and it's 'for his own good.' Look at you two."

Wow, Segs was insightful. And right. For once.

Joffrey finally looked over at Tyler. Tyler looked shyly back at him through his lashes, knowing that Joffrey's heart would skip a beat.

"Come on Morgan. I've been hanging around these two long enough to know when they're gonna get it on."

Morgan trailed Segs out of the room, then they were alone. Tyler slid the Mentos tube out of his pocket and ate one, looking at Joffrey the whole time. He held out the tube.

"Want a mint?"

Joffrey took the tube out of his hands, placed it on the bench, wrapped his arms around Tyler's waist, pulled him close, and kissed him once, softly. Tyler wrapped his arms around Joffrey's neck, pulling him closer to kiss him again, longer.

"We good?" Tyler breathed against Joffrey's mouth, letting Joffrey taste the mint that remained on his breath.

"Yeah," Joffrey breathed back. "We're great."

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had the desire to make one of them choke on the mint but they were being so cute and fluffy I had to leave them to it. Bozie's had enough torture for one fic.


	10. Ampersand&

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler has one loose end to tie off.

Tyler was sitting on the bench, breathless from kissing Joffrey. He picked up his phone, scrolled through his contacts until he got to 'Asshole.' He decided he owed Joffrey this one. He dialled.

"Hey, Segs? It's Tyler."

"Yeah? Wanna talk to me again?"

"I'll take that drinks offer, if it's still open."

"Man, drinks with the Tylers is _always_ open."

"Kay, seeya soon."

"Bye Brozie."

Tyler thought he heard a smile in Segs' voice.

 

Drinks with Segs went as usual. They took shots, got too drunk, Segs hit on everyone and got rejected, then sat with Tyler and almost fell asleep on him. That was when Tyler decided it was home time.

 

Tyler returned to his room late (or early, depending how he looked at it). He tried to creep across the room, not to wake up Joffrey. But, being drunk and not small, he stumbled and stomped more than he crept. He stripped off down to his underwear, decided it was too much effort to get properly changed and went over to his bed. He felt a finger in his waistband, stopping him.

"Where do you think you're going?"

Tyler was too drunk to process this question. He grunted. The fingers came out of his waistband and were replaced by an arm that wrapped around his hips and pulled him back into Joffrey's bed. Belatedly, Tyler realised he was not being kidnapped. He got into Joffrey's bed and snuggled happily into his chest, hooking his ankle over Joffrey's calf. Joffrey wrapped an arm around Tyler.

 

Tyler woke up sometime later, not remembering much of last night, but knowing he was in Joffrey's bed. He sighed and got up, seeing a returned essay under the door. "Who does that," he asked no-one in particular, picking it up. He looked for the red marker that showed his mark. There was a red 'A.' Tyler smiled. He saw a comment.

'But you still need to learn how to use an interrobang.'


End file.
